<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Absolution by Ladyloves77</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24984451">Absolution</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyloves77/pseuds/Ladyloves77'>Ladyloves77</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Station 19 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Feelings, Fluff and Smut, Soulmates, Tenderness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:16:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,095</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24984451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyloves77/pseuds/Ladyloves77</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Maya unpacks her suitcase of feelings and tries to be worthy of the world's most amazing girlfriend</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>297</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This picks up at the end of the 3x16 scene. Later chapters will be explicit.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It isn’t lost on Maya when she feels Carina’s hand attach itself to her hair while they kiss, grasping it gently in… approval? Understanding? Whatever it was behind Carina’s touch, Maya wanted to cry in relief, because it was loving and healing, and the complete opposite of how her father had touched her hair just hours earlier. The dichotomy made her whimper into Carina’s mouth as they kissed. When they pulled apart, Carina’s hands cupped Maya’s face, “I like your hair, bella” she said, smiling softly as she ran her fingers through it again. Maya’s smile faltered a bit as she thought about the impetus for her very impromptu ‘do. Carina being Carina of course noticed, “You can tell me about it tonight. I’ll come over when I’m off?” “Yes please” Maya responded. They kissed once more and then Carina made her way back into the hospital.</p><p>Maya had a feeling Carina would want to talk more about everything when she came over, so she had spent the rest of the afternoon and evening thinking… about what she would say, how she would convince Carina that would never happen again, how she would explain that in less than 24 hours she had realized so much about years and years of her life, including realizing that Carina was the person she wanted, needed to be with. She was so good for her, and yet, Maya had betrayed her in the ultimate way. </p><p>How would she ever adequately apologize for that? What a disgusting person she was. Why would Carina think about giving her another chance after that? She had accomplishments in her life, sure, but they didn’t mean anything for her love life. She had never been a partner, never had a serious long term thing… until Carina. That was the closest she had come until she screwed it up in the most awful way. She didn’t deserve Carina’s forgiveness. Not only had she cheated but she had thrown it in her face to push her away. Who does that? What kind of person does that? Someone like her father, that’s who. “FUCK I’m just like him” Maya thought abruptly.</p><p>And as those thoughts swirled around in her head, making her feel like she couldn’t breathe, Carina knocked on her door. Maya couldn’t physically make it there, she was doubled over, trying to get ahold of herself. She called out, “it’s open”. Carina opened the door – she could tell Maya’s voice sounded in distress. She walked into the kitchen and saw her there, her head in her hands, leaning over the counter. Carina moved closer, “hey… what’s going on?” she asked gently, clearly concerned for Maya, as she put a hand on Maya’s back.</p><p>“I’m sorry… for all of it, not just the cheating but the shutting you out, pushing you away, taking my anger out on you. It was all just…gross, and I thought I had come to terms with my father’s behavior but now I am realizing that I’ve, that I’m…. that I’m just like him” Maya started crying. Carina turned Maya around and wrapped her arms around her. “You are not your father. You wouldn’t be here if you were.” Maya burrowed herself closer to Carina, taking comfort in her embrace and her constancy. “And we can’t change the past, bella. All we can do is try to not make the same mistakes, and you acknowledging them is the first step.” Carina’s hand was stroking Maya’s hair, and Maya wasn’t sure what she did to deserve this person. She calmed her sobs enough to hoarsely whisper to Carina, “I want to love you like you love me… and I’m so worried I’m just going to fuck it up again because I didn’t know what love was before you… before I saw my father’s “love” for what it really was. I’m so fucked up Carina.” </p><p>Carina pulled back slightly and placed a hand under Maya’s chin, forcing her to look in her eyes. “do you remember when we were talking on FaceTime when JJ was in labor? And I told you that it’s clear that you can do anything you put your mind to? That’s one of the things I love about you Maya, you do incredible things, you beat odds, you conquer, you overcome… and you’ll do that with this. You are resilient.” Carina said as her fingers tucked Maya’s hair behind her ear. “I don’t know how you still have faith in me” Maya almost whispered. “Because I love you, Maya and because I know you love me….and maybe up here is still figuring that out” she said as she rubbed her fingers against Maya’s head, “but I know it’s in here” her hand moved down to Maya’s chest, pressing her palm flat against her heart. Maya put her hand over Carina’s, “so much” she whispered. She looked into Carina’s eyes, “you have shown me everything that is good and beautiful and loving in this world and I never want to be without it.” Carina leaned forward and kissed Maya softly, “I’m here” she whispered against her lips before pressing her forehead to Maya’s.  </p><p>“What do you need from me?” Maya asked quietly. She had never cared about another person’s needs like this – hell, her whole life she had been taught to only care about herself. To not care about people like her brother, or a competitor who fell… it was only about winning, about being the best. The best… that word meant something so different to her now. And while right now she could probably get away with being selfish as she digested everything, she didn’t want to be. She didn’t want to be like him. “This” carina whispered back, taking Maya’s face in her hands, “letting me in.” Maya nodded.  </p><p>“Tell me about your hair” Carina asked softly, her hand stroking through it, her fingers threading themselves through the newly shortened strands as she massaged Maya’s neck. Maya’s eyes closed at the sensation, at the way Carina seemed to know just what she needed, even when she didn’t know herself. Her eyes stayed closed as she recounted, “he showed up at the station then followed me to a scene….” Her eyes opened but she looked down, unable to look into carinas eyes… it was too painful, she was too ashamed… she thought back through what had happened, “he berated me, got mad at me for ignoring him, said I was “playing” captain, yelled at me when I told him he needed to leave, and then when I turned away from him….” She started choking up, getting more affected as she recounted it all. Carina’s hand increased its pressure slightly on Maya’s head, trying to remind Maya she was there. Her other hand reached out to grab Maya’s, and it gave Maya the strength to continue, “he pulled my hair by the ponytail…hard” as she remembered it viscerally, she felt herself losing control of her emotions. “and I suddenly remembered all the times he did it while I was training and you were right, he…he” her sobs kept her from finishing and Carina couldn’t take it any longer. </p><p>Carina wrapped her arms around Maya, “I’m so sorry.” “I feel so stupid” Maya croaked. “You’re not stupid, bella. He is your parent, you trusted him.” Carina shifted so she could look into Maya’s eyes, her hands cupping her face, “These things are not easy to face… you are just human.” Carina’s gaze was both comforting and nerve-wracking at the same time. She made her feel safe, like she could say anything and Carina wouldn’t budge. She wasn’t used to feeling that way. Her being scared of that is probably one of the things that made her self-sabotage in the first place. But now, she wasn’t scared of that anymore, and that was the problem… because now she knew. Now she knew how much she wanted it, needed it, and how sorely she did not deserve it after what she had done. Carina should be looking at her with disdain, not love. </p><p>She pulled away, turning so Carina couldn’t read her face. But like a hydrant that had been opened, everything was just pouring out of her, unbridled. She wanted to hide away, close herself off because that’s what she always did when things got hard or emotions were involved. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t be that person anymore, at least not with Carina. It was like as soon as she admitted to Carina and to herself that she loved her, something switched on, or maybe off, inside of her, and she knew she was forever changed. “I don’t deserve you.” “Maya…” Carina stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Maya’s waist from behind. Her chin rested on Maya’s shoulder and she whispered closely to her ear, her voice full of emotion, “I forgive you, Maya. I forgive you” Just when Maya thought she might be done with breakdowns for the night, Carina once again split her open, and upon hearing Carina say that, she came undone. It was everything. Carina was everything. She turned around to fold herself into Carina’s arms, her head burying itself in the crook of her neck as she cried.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maya didn’t need to think very hard to know this was the most crying, processing, and feeling she had done in her life. The fact that she was sitting on her kitchen floor was probably a giveaway. She felt so unprepared for all of it to come crashing down at once and wondered how long the effects would hang around inside her. She longed to push it away, like she always had, but with her on the floor were long, slender arms around her, a warm, lithe body against her, and the loveliest voice whispering in her ear that she wasn’t alone and that it was going to be alright. And she decided she would stay in hell if it meant she had this heaven. </p><p>She needed Carina to know that. She pulled away slightly, trying not to think about what a hot mess she must look like or the wet stain she left on Carina’s shirt. But when she looked up, the eyes that met hers told a different story. A story she hadn’t heard before this person came along. A story that said, no matter what. Nothing in her life had been no matter what. There was only winning, only being the best. This, what she was doing now, would be a disgrace, an unacceptable display of weakness. Even thinking of the word weak made her cringe, because it was the worst you could be. At least it was, before…before those eyes. </p><p>“I don’t want you to change” Maya blurted out. Carina looked at her, slightly confused. “I don’t want you to think I’m going to push you away again if you say something or try to get too close and so you don’t… which is ironic I know, but the thing I couldn’t accept from you is the thing I can’t be without.” She looked into Carina’s eyes, now shining with unshed tears of their own. Maya reached over to take her hand, “I promise you I am going to be better. You make me want to be better.” Carina kissed Maya’s hand, her head reeling with all the things Maya was telling her. She knew Maya was intense, it was one of the things she loved about her, but this kind of intense Carina had no point of reference for. </p><p>Maya wondered if she had said too much, kicking herself for bringing up the pain she caused Carina once again. “Are you hungry?” she asked, trying to change the subject, to get a brief reprieve from all the heaviness inside of her. “Si, I could eat” Carina replied softly. Maya reluctantly extricated herself from Carina and got up to take out the food she had prepared for them earlier. There was silence between them for several minutes, Carina trying to give Maya space to process, and Maya trying to get her shit together enough so she could focus on Carina’s pain instead of her own. </p><p>As they sat down to eat, Carina looked at Maya like she wanted to say something but was hesitant. Maya reached out to touch her hand, “what is it?” Carina sighed, “what you said before… about me not stepping back. Maya, I do want you to be able to have space when you need it and maybe I should have given you more. I just think the topic was so familiar to me, and you were so important to me. Maybe I did foolishly think I could fix you, which is… not good.” Carina averted her eyes, and Maya was aghast that Carina was putting any of this on herself. “None of this was your fault” Maya barked out as she felt her own emotions storming back into the foray. </p><p>Maya got out of her chair and knelt down in front of Carina, both of them trying to not break apart. “Look, I know I am still miles away from having my shit together, and a therapist would have a field day with me saying this, but you have fixed me Carina, or you have at least started putting me back together… in ways that I am just beginning to comprehend.” Maya paused, feeling her throat constrict at the words in her head. She swallowed down the sob trying to escape, “no one has ever loved me like you. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t know… I didn’t know how to accept it” Maya pressed her head against Carina’s abdomen, grasping at her, trying to show her how much she needed and appreciated her. Carina was crying as she planted her hand on Maya’s head, her words mixing with gasps for breath, “Please don’t hurt me like that again, I don’t think I could take it.” “I’m so sorry baby” Maya cried as she tightened her hold on Carina, her head burrowing further into her body. Carina felt herself melt at Maya calling her that and let herself bask in the feeling of Maya leaning on her, entreating her. </p><p>Maya pulled back slightly after another minute and looked up at Carina, “I meant what I said. I’ll spend every day showing you how much I love you, how you’re the only one I want.” Maya’s face was more soft and vulnerable than Carina had ever seen it – more than earlier that day at the hospital. It hit her hard. It gave her the strength to be vulnerable herself. “Maya, I love you in a way that I don’t fully understand. And I know it hasn’t been long, but there’s a… how do you say, profondità, uhh depth, there that hasn’t been before, and I think… I think you are who I am supposed to be with.” Maya smiled broadly, the tears that had subsided returning slightly but for a blessedly different reason, “I love you so much.” “Come here” Carina tugged on Maya, pulling her into her lap. They kissed. And smiled. And cried.</p><p>They finally made it back to their own seats and worked hard to swallow down a few bites of food, neither of them having much of an appetite at this point. “Do you have to work tomorrow?” Maya asked. “No… well, I’m not on shift. I was just going to work on some research.” “I took the day off” Maya said, noticing the surprise in Carina’s face. “After what happened today at the scene, I knew I needed some time. Is this research anything I can help with?” Maya said cheekily, thinking of Carina’s orgasm studies. Carina hummed then smiling said, “well it is about orgasms but in a reproductive capacity…” </p><p>Carina’s own words echoed in her head as she thought about it, “did you… use protection with Jack?” Maya was caught off guard by the question. Things had gone from intimate to cold in a matter of seconds. The shame Maya felt before came back in full force. “no… but I’m on the pill.” She answered meekly, as she got up from her chair, away from Carina’s gaze. She couldn’t be this close to her while talking about this, and she knew her answer was disappointing. “Did you orgasm?” “no, no”. “Did he?” “yes don’t they always” she said regrettably. Carina combed through her own hair, her frustration showing. “should you get tested?” “I will” Maya said quickly, she would do anything. “It wasn’t good sex Carina, and it wasn’t even about sex. It was nothing compared to what we have.” Carina sighed, “I don’t like feeling jealous.” Maya moved closer to her, “you have nothing to be jealous of... no one makes me feel the way you do. And it’s never going to happen again.” Carina nodded, still feeling unsettled but knowing it would bother her if she didn’t ask those questions. </p><p>Maya started cleaning up their dishes, turning to see Carina on her phone. She swallowed hard, pushing away the instinct to shut down, forcing herself to live in her discomfort. “I’m exhausted. And I would like you to stay, but I understand if you need to take things slow.” Carina looked up at her, about to say no, that’s it is not a good idea yet, that slow was certainly in order after the latest disclosure, but then her eyes met Maya’s and she felt her willpower slipping. “I want to stay.” Maya smiled at the response. “But no sex.” Maya nodded, she hadn’t been naïve enough to think that was on the table anyway, “I understand. I’ll wait as long as you need me to.” </p><p>As they were getting ready for bed, Carina glimpsed over at Maya changing and felt her body respond. She chastised herself for being too easy, “she literally just cheated on you, you idiot” she told herself. Maya got into bed and could see Carina was somewhere else. She wanted to be close to her, to touch her, to try and offer her a comfort that transcended words. She knew physical affection was important to Carina, just as it was to her. She laughed at herself – before Carina, she was definitely not an affectionate person, but now she needed Carina’s touch like she needed air. </p><p>Maya turned towards Carina who was lying on her back. “can I…hold you?” she asked tentatively. Carina looked over at her, once again unable to say no to the vulnerability that this woman rarely displayed, and turned her body towards Maya so they were face to face. Carina reached out and tucked some hair behind Maya’s ear, “luce dei miei occhi”. Maya didn’t need to ask what it meant, it was clearly something affectionate, and at that moment, nothing else mattered except the knowledge that Carina still wanted her. Carina’s hand moved down to Maya’s chest, as she scooted herself closer to Maya, resting her head on her shoulder. Maya’s hand tangled itself in Carina’s hair, as the other began caressing her forearm. Carina let out a sound akin to a whimper, a sound that made Maya want to protect and cherish and devour Carina all at the same time.</p><p>Maya settled for placing a kiss on Carina’s head, nuzzling her cheek against her hair, and whispering “thank you.” “for what?” Carina asked. She had an idea of what it was for, but she still wanted to hear Maya say it. “for loving me, for forgiving me.” Carina hummed affirmatively in response. She couldn’t believe how different, how open Maya had been today. It was everything she wanted and hoped for when she gave this broken woman her heart, but it was also scary. What if it didn’t last? What if tomorrow morning Maya woke up back to her prior self? Carina couldn’t do this without Maya continuing to be vulnerable and honest. She tried to push the fears away as she snuggled closer to Maya, throwing a leg over Maya’s and fitting her head right at the swell of Maya’s breast, by far the world’s best pillow. Now it was Maya’s turn to let out a sound of pleasure. God, she loved being close to this woman, feeling her, touching her. “goodnight baby” Maya cooed sleepily. “goodnight bella” Carina whispered against her chest, hoping this new Maya was here to stay.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maya woke up early the next morning, as she usually did. It was hard to sleep late after her father’s drills. She shifted slightly so she could look at Carina sleeping, curled on her side, facing Maya with her hand still on Maya's hip. She gently brushed some of Carina’s hair away from her face. She wanted to keep touching her but didn’t want to wake her. Carina deserved a good night’s sleep. Maya imagined she probably gave Carina some really shitty nights of sleep after what she did. And of course last night was all about her too. She felt so selfish. She needed to give Carina more than just her baggage. But she wasn’t sure how- she hadn’t been here before. </p>
<p>She laid there for a few more minutes, just looking, trying to draw tranquility from Carina's sleeping form. Words flew through her head as she stared at Carina: gorgeous, peaceful... angelic. Maya nodded to herself at the last word, not a word she would really ever use, but it was the right one because Carina was indeed her angel - saving her, forgiving her, renewing her. She thought back to Carina telling her how she thought they were meant to be together, and a surge of emotions swept through her. Someone, something had sent Carina to her. And you don't break an angel.  </p>
<p>All this thinking made her desperately want to go for a run to clear her head, but she didn’t want to leave Carina to wake up alone, not their first morning after. While they hadn’t had sex, it was still just as significant that Carina stayed, that Carina held onto her, that Carina put aside her own anger and fear for Maya. She once again started feeling the anxiety and panic overwhelm her – she didn’t deserve this perfect human, how was she going to match what Carina gave so easily, how was this going to end with her not fucking it all up and hurting this incredible woman who deserved someone put together, someone giving, someone open… someone not Maya. </p>
<p>Maya decided she needed to leave the room before she started hyperventilating and inadvertently woke Carina. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and walked out to the living room. She’d use the guest bathroom just to make sure she didn’t disturb her. After going to the bathroom, she went to sit on the couch, being quickly reminded of how her body did not do well with being still, especially when there was a lot going on inside of it. She needed to do something. She looked over at her bike, it was tempting but she wasn’t going to do it – she wasn’t going to leave. She decided to make some coffee and as she opened the refrigerator for milk, she thought about making Carina breakfast. It was still early and it was the doctor’s day off but it would be nice, right…. She stood there with the refrigerator open contemplating what to do. This was so unlike her. She was decisive. But all she could think about now was trying to be “the best” for someone else. It was like trying to learn calculus. </p>
<p>She was startled when she heard Carina’s voice behind her, “why are you up so early?” she asked a little concern in her voice, along with a lot of sleepiness. They had both talked about having the day off last night. “Habit” Maya shrugged as she turned to look at Carina. Correction: sleepy Carina, wrapped in her blanket, her hair mussed, her face and feet bare. She felt herself unable to speak for several seconds, a tight pulling in her chest making her almost gasp for air. She finally managed to make words, although they weren’t the ones she intended. She had meant to ask her about eating something, but instead, “god, you’re so beautiful” is what came out. Carina smiled shyly. She had been told that so many times it had almost become irritating, as if that's all she was. But this was different, and she felt Maya's words seep into her skin, covering her in goosebumps. First of all, she was certain she looked disastrous, her eyes still fighting with her about staying open. Second, the way the words fell out of Maya’s mouth, she was sure that Maya didn’t mean to say them out loud. And lastly, they came from Maya’s mouth, a mouth that was not particularly known for its romantic declarations, at least not before yesterday. </p>
<p>Maya finally recovered and asked, “Do you want some breakfast… or do you want to go back to bed…?” “I would say going back to bed, but I have a feeling I’d be going by myself, so…” “I don’t think I’d be a very good bed partner right now” Maya responded, “too much going on up here” as she pointed to her head. “Ok, so what are you making me?” Carina said, more awake now, more teasing. </p>
<p>Maya liked teasing Carina. She was starting to realize how many Carinas she liked. She didn’t like the ones that were mad at her or hurt by her or disappointed in her. If there was one person she wanted to avoid that with, it was Carina. Of course this very helpful insight couldn’t come until after she did just that. Her anger at herself was becoming a real problem. She didn’t know how to stop thinking about it, how to stop hating herself for it. If anyone else made Carina feel the way she did, she would want to cause them extreme physical pain. But she had a pretty good feeling that Carina would not want her hurting herself. </p>
<p>“Bella…” the caring Italian voice invaded her thoughts. She hadn’t answered her question. She needed air. Carina was looking at her like she could tell something was going on. “What’s wrong?” “me.” Carina furrowed her brow. Maya wasn’t sure she could do more emoting right now, not after last night, not when this purging feelings thing was so new to her. She needed a break. But then she heard a pleading “Maya…” and before Carina could say more, Maya interrupted, “I can’t stop thinking about how I hurt you" she said meekly. It was something. And if she needed to give Carina more, she would, even if it was hard.</p>
<p>Carina sighed, placing the blanket on the couch and moving closer to Maya. “I know” she said softly. She could tell how different Maya had been acting, how affected by all this she had been. And yes she had been cheated on and roundly kicked in the ass by the person she loved, but… she loved her, and she understood at least on some level why it happened. Carina sat on the stool closest to Maya, letting her decide if she wanted Carina closer. Maya looked at her, wondering if her “I know” was because Carina was feeling the same way about it, unable to get past it. “You too?” she asked, her guilt growing by the second. Carina shook her head no and reached her arm out towards Maya, “come here” she said gently. </p>
<p>Maya obeyed, fitting herself between Carina’s now spread legs which were covered only in short sleeping shorts. Maya tried to shut those thoughts out. Carina’s arms were around Maya’s waist. “I know that it is bothering you… and part of me thinks maybe that’s good because it means you won’t do it again, but the other part of me just wants you to forgive yourself… like I have. You feeling guilty isn’t going to move us forward.” “How do I get rid of the guilt?” “Look at me” Carina said and Maya lowered her eyes to Carina’s, “this will pass…with time… as we build a life together...” Carina paused, “I guess we should talk about that” she said feeling somewhat foolish for putting something so permanent on the table with Maya right now. “I want that” Maya jumped in before Carina could retract, her mind immediately flooded with images of Carina coming out of the bedroom a few minutes ago. Yes, she wanted that every day, and she knew it the second she saw her standing there. “You do?” Carina asked, feeling emotional. “Yes” Maya confirmed enthusiastically before grabbing Carina’s face and leaning down to kiss her. After they kissed, Maya wrapped her arms around Carina and held her close to her chest. “I love you” Maya repeated ardently over and over again, causing Carina’s floodgates to open. </p>
<p>Maya wasn't surprised, not with the gaping wound she had exacted on Carina's heart so recently. Even if she had forgiven her. Forgiving someone doesn't erase the pain, and Carina had every right to be a complete mess. As Maya held a weeping Carina, she finally understood love – romantic, lasting, selfless love. And she promised herself in that moment that she wasn’t going to ruin it or take it for granted. The Olympics were her childhood goal, and loving Carina to the best of her ability was going to be her adulthood goal. She assumed it was going to be firefighting, because professional endeavors were all she had really known. Relationships, family never occurred to her. They weren’t important, and she saw firsthand just how messy they were. On some level, she had always been aware of that aspect, that those concepts had all had been tarnished by her upbringing. But now, it was like she saw the world in a completely different way. And she knew she would be fine in her career. She would always work hard and try her best, but it wasn’t the end all be all anymore. Finding something like this, someone like this… she was intelligent enough to know it was rare. And if she screwed it up, she would regret it for the rest of her life. </p>
<p>The rest of her life…. Before it seemed so daunting, trying to plan it out, figure out what she would achieve when and what she would aim for after that. It was always a ladder – it had to be. And looking up ahead was exhausting. Now when she closed her eyes it was an open field and she could see for miles. And in the field was Carina, smiling and laughing. And then the image of Carina was joined by another, one of a small child sitting in Carina’s lap, waving at Maya. Maya’s eyes snapped open. She never saw herself as a mother, and what she envisioned frightened her. </p>
<p>Carina felt Maya’s breathing change, “what is it?” she asked softly as she was trying to reign in her own emotions. “nothing… I was just… getting ahead of myself” Maya said as she pulled back to look at Carina. She looked at her face, which held all the telltale signs of someone who had been crying, and it made her heart ache violently, even if some of the tears were borne from relief. Relief that her unfaithful, vindictive girlfriend still wanted her. Yeah what a relief that is, Maya thought, as she felt herself withdraw, wanting desperately to hide her shame from Carina. </p>
<p>And then Carina sniffled, and Maya’s focus returned.  She hadn’t seen Carina cry before, not like this. And then she reminded herself of the other time Carina really cried. That night. The night when she slammed her bedroom door on Carina after purposefully breaking her heart. The night she desperately wished she could erase. She had caught a glimpse of her face and had heard the sobs from outside her door. But she put on headphones to drown them out. How would she ever stop saying she was sorry for that abhorrence? How would she ever forgive herself? The gap between where they were now and what Maya pictured in her head suddenly seemed almost insurmountable. While she felt rising panic for a few seconds, she remembered what Carina said earlier about her, how she overcame, how she thrived in challenges. Almost insurmountable was something she could do…right? A month ago, there would be no hesitation in that response. Self-confidence was never something she lacked. But now, she felt unsure of herself, unsure of so much in her world….so much, except this. This love, this person – it was the anchor that kept her from drifting into complete madness. </p>
<p>“Let’s go lay down” Maya said, taking Carina’s hands and pulling her up off the stool. “I thought you didn’t want to go back to bed?” Carina asked. “I have so much to do” Maya said almost to herself as her eyes scanned Carina’s face. Before Carina could ask what she was talking about, Maya reached out, caressing Carina’s cheeks with the backs of her fingers. The tenderness of her touch caught Carina off guard, her eyes closing and a faint sigh slipping from her lips. Maya cupped Carina’s face in her hands, “I have so much to do to make you feel safe with me again, and that starts now” her voice filled with emotion as she kissed Carina gently and led her to the bedroom. Her anchor needed her to be still, by god, she was going to be still.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>next chapter will be explicit</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all for the wonderful comments! I am a long time writer, but first time poster and did not anticipate what a high I would get from seeing those comments!<br/>I have more written, but I'm going to end this story here. I'm thinking I'll make it a series for the rest?<br/>And I know smut is not everyone's bag, but most of what I write tends to go there. So I'm interested in feedback on this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carina went to the bathroom while Maya got into bed, moving the pillows so she was sitting up slightly against the headboard. She spread her legs and patted the space in between them when Carina came out. Carina settled herself in between Maya’s legs, Maya pulling her back against her fully. The feeling of Maya surrounding her, her breasts pressed against Carina’s back, her smooth, muscled leg under Carina’s hand, her strong arms wrapped around her body protectively, her hands holding and caressing Carina, her soft lips on her temple, her low voice close to her ear, whispering to Carina that she loved her…. It was all getting Carina very turned on, much to her chagrin. She was supposed to wait – it was too soon. She was supposed to be mad, to punish Maya, to make her wait. And if they had sex and Maya hurt her again, she wasn’t sure she could recover. </p>
<p>But then Maya’s hand was on her bare chest, just above where her tank top started, and Carina’s head fell back further against Maya’s shoulder, exposing more of herself to Maya’s touch. Maya hummed in response and whispered “you feel so good” as her fingers danced along her collarbones, and Carina knew she was done for.</p>
<p>To her credit, Maya’s hands stayed on skin that wasn’t covered by clothing. Although she had on so little that this still left a large amount of skin for Maya to touch and caress and… Carina was having trouble not responding. After a few more minutes of Maya’s hands on her arms, her chest, her thighs, her neck, Carina lost the battle with her self-control. Her hips jerked and she let the whimpers she had been fighting back escape into the space between them. “Maya” she rasped, trying to express her current state in one word.</p>
<p>Maya blanched. Her hands froze. Oh shit, way to overstep Maya.  She mumbled an apology and kept her hands where they were, unmoving. Carina was too far gone for that, she needed Maya to keep going. She needed to be subject to this new, loving Maya that was touching her in a way she only dreamed about. She wanted her touch like that everywhere. </p>
<p> “Touch me?” Carina asked softly as she put her hand on top of Maya’s, moving it down to her breast. “Are you sure?” Maya asked, trying not to go over the moon at the possibility of being allowed to bring Carina pleasure. Carina nodded and gently squeezed Maya’s hand on her breast. Every nerve ending in Maya’s body immediately sprung to attention. Her own arousal kicked into high gear as she began fondling Carina’s breasts.</p>
<p>Maya had been so busy trying not to think about sex with Carina that it took her a minute to adjust, to remember what Carina liked, to focus on her sexual, not just emotional, pleasure. But then Carina was letting out a high pitched whimper and arching against Maya as she caressed and stroked her breasts, and Maya didn’t need to do any more thinking.</p>
<p>She gently squeezed the mounds in response and rubbed her thumbs over Carina’s swollen nipples. Maya’s own hips jolted at the sensation, at the groan falling from Carina’s lips. “god I love touching you” Maya breathed out against Carina’s ear. </p>
<p>Her fingers danced along the top of Carina’s tank top, “is this okay?” she asked quietly as she began to pull down the tank top. Carina responded with a breathy “yes” and Maya finished pulling her tank down, freeing Carina’s breasts, swooning as she watched them pop out, fixated on Carina’s chest heaving in anticipation. “God, you’re so sexy” she said in awe. Nothing was as powerful as knowing Carina wanted her touch. She continued to play with Carina’s nipples and breasts, wanting to draw out her pleasure, wanting her to know how much she loved this, how much she loved pleasuring her. </p>
<p>Carina was moaning and arching, her hips beginning to cant, and her fingers digging into Maya’s thigh. Maya gently pinched both of Carina’s nipples between her fingers, tugging on them tenderly as Carina cried out her approval, “ahh Maya”. “Mmm… I love hearing you Car.” Carina’s breath hitched, it was the first time Maya had called her that since their reunion. She threw her head back further against Maya’s shoulder, and Maya didn’t hesitate to take advantage of the long, smooth neck so close to her lips. </p>
<p>Carina’s body was pressed tightly to Maya’s, and as Maya kissed and sucked on her column of flesh, Carina pleaded into her ear, “take off your shirt… please.” Maya gently pushed Carina forward enough to rid herself of her shirt, feeling a gush of wetness as she pulled Carina back against her and felt her bare breasts make contact with Carina’s warm, smooth skin. As if that wasn’t enough, Carina moaned heavily at the sensation, knocking Maya off balance for a minute. She was in a haze of arousal like she had never known before. It was an arousal that she was absolutely certain would be resolved by making Carina orgasm. </p>
<p>She was brought back by a pleading “don’t stop”. Part of her wanted nothing more than to climb on top of Carina and kiss her and see her and feel her front against hers but she dared not move positions now, not unless Carina wanted her to. So she settled for placing kisses on the side of Carina’s head and face, wherever she could reach, until Carina shifted enough to give Maya her mouth, albeit way too briefly. And then Carina’s head was back on her shoulder, and it was clear she wanted Maya to take her like this. Maya normally would have teased her, asked Carina if she wanted her to fuck her like this, but now it was the furthest thing from her mind. </p>
<p>Maya groped at Carina’s breasts more fervidly, kneading them and flicking over her engorged nipples while watching and listening to Carina climb higher. “I love touching you like this” she almost groaned against Carina’s ear, before taking the lobe between her lips and sucking lightly. She wanted to arouse Carina like she had never been before, she wanted it to be so good for her, for Maya to be worthy of Carina’s pleasure. Maya had always been confident and pretty thorough in bed, but what she was doing now… Carina knew it was different, it was so much more. </p>
<p>“Talk to me” Carina pleaded desperately. Maya wasn’t usually one to wax eloquent in the sheets, so her doing it now was driving Carina wild. She needed to hear her almost as much as she needed her touch. Maya didn’t disappoint, she wouldn’t… she would tell Carina anything and everything right now. So she kept touching and teasing as she riddled off everything she was thinking and feeling to her lover, “I love your beautiful breasts, they feel so good in my hands Carina. I love how your nipples get so big and hard for me, how they respond to my touch. I love how crazy it makes you. I love making you feel good. I love how much it turns me on to please you.” </p>
<p>Carina’s body responded to every comment, her fingers tightening against Maya’s thigh, her hips flying off the bed, her mouth trying to hold back the sobs of delight. But as Maya’s hands kept working her breasts with every word, Carina couldn’t help but cry out harshly in approval. She was close, so close, embarrassingly close. She knew her moans and shrieks of pleasure were completely over the top, but she couldn’t help it. “That’s it” Maya encouraged, as she continued her ministrations until Carina panted and writhed and said “Maya please”. </p>
<p>Maya was about to ask “please what” but now was not the time for teasing. She knew what Carina needed, as she let her hand trail down from her breast to her abdomen, rubbing her taught belly, feeling Carina’s muscles spasm under her touch. She lowered her hands to Carina’s thighs, stroking them lightly at first and then more firmly as she drew her touch closer and closer to Carina’s center. Maya caressed the hem of her shorts, inching closer, as Carina’s body writhed against her.</p>
<p>Maya soaked herself as Carina spread her long, lean legs further apart, wantonly, begging with her body for Maya to be in between her legs. “Carina… you are the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen” Maya groaned out, her own arousal showing in her voice as she squeezed Carina’s inner thigh. The smell of Carina’s arousal was making her dizzy. Her hand finally made its way underneath Carina’s, or rather her, shorts. She was going to start her touch over the fabric but she needed to feel Carina’s wet, hot, swollen flesh against her fingers, and she had a feeling Carina did too. She shoved her hand inside, dipping down to Carina’s dripping core. “god you’re so wet baby” she said in awe. Carina moaned, her voice strained as she responded, “that’s what your touch does to me.”</p>
<p>Maya pressed her whole hand against Carina’s center, slowly rubbing and exploring every soaking wet, hot, velvety inch of her, “oh Car, you feel so good” she moaned in tandem with Carina. She let a finger dip inside her opening “is this good?” Carina nodded furiously as her hips tried to swallow Maya’s finger. Maya pushed her finger in fully, Carina’s hips soaring off the bed at the welcomed intrusion. Maya slowly added another finger, and Carina was soon pistoning herself on her heels as she impaled herself on Maya’s fingers. Carina was crying out that she was close, and Maya was so turned on by Carina’s movements and noises that she felt her own orgasm about to break. Maya encouraged Carina, begged her, “come for me baby please” “let me feel you, Car”, followed by Carina moaning Maya’s name and Italian curse words while Maya spurred her on with “yes, yes that’s it baby.” Carina’s words turned into unintelligible screams, as she came in waves, with Maya feeling her own body respond in kind. </p>
<p>Carina’s hand finally grabbed Maya’s, stilling it and pressing it firmly against her flesh as her body milked the last contractions. Maya felt the size of her clit against her palm and couldn’t help but rub against it lightly. Carina gasped. Maya’s sopping wet fingers danced up to her clit and started caressing it oh so softly, as she pulled Carinas body back into hers with her other arm. “Relax” she told her, encouraging her to rest fully against Maya. Carina obeyed, but as Maya’s careful touch continued, she knew there wouldn’t be much more relaxing. She was close, so close again, already. She was biting her lip to keep from wailing in Maya’s ear. Maya felt Carina’s muscles tensing, her clit responding, her body pressing, but wasn’t hearing much noise from Carina and that just wouldn’t do, not with how vocal she just was, not when she knew how loud Carina could get… not when Carina’s sounds of pleasure were a life force for Maya. </p>
<p>“Let me hear you, love” she whispered and Carina lost it, practically howling in response. And soon her name was spilling off Carina’s lips like a chant, “Maya, Maya, Maya.” Maya felt like she was the one being touched, as Carina’s dive into ecstasy took her with it, “I love you so much, Car. I need you to cum for me, sweetheart, I need you to cum for me like I can’t describe.” Carina whined, “Maya, cara, non fermarti. Sono cosi vicino.” Maya hummed, loving when Carina was so far gone that she couldn’t manage English anymore. </p>
<p>“I’ve got you, Car, let go for me”, and Carina did, so hard she almost passed out and so loudly that Maya momentarily worried a neighbor was going to call for help. But then Maya was so busy trying to burn every sensation, every note of Carina’s voice, every spasm of Carina’s body and every throb of her clit into her memory forever that she didn’t realize her own orgasm was rupturing, as Carina’s backside smashed against her pelvis. </p>
<p>Maya was sure she hadn’t made Carina come that hard before, and she was also sure she had never orgasmed with such little contact. Maya closed her eyes, trying to keep it all in. All she could think was “wow” which she might have said out loud without knowing it. And then Carina was moving, turning her body to curl against Maya, pretty much burrowing herself in Maya’s lap. Maya scooted down a little and put her arms around Carina, one massaging her back, the other threading through her wild hair, pressing her head against her chest. Maya felt very protective at Carina’s vulnerability, the occasional “Maya” and needy whimpers spilling from her lips. Maya whispered to her, “I’m right here. I’ve got you.” A soft sob left Carina’s mouth. Maya wanted to soothe her, to convey to her how much that meant, Carina giving herself to Maya, “I’m not going anywhere Carina, not ever. I’m yours. I’m only yours.” </p>
<p>“I’m sorry” Carina choked out. “What in the world are you sorry for, love?” Carina’s heart beat quickened at hearing Maya call her that again. “I don’t know… I said we were going to wait and then I…” Maya interrupted her, “don’t be sorry for that. I’ve never felt anything like it so please don’t be sorry.” “Me too” Carina replied softly. “Did you…?” Carina asked. Maya knew what she was asking, “yeah I did” she chuckled, still unable to fully believe it had happened. “I think that was the strongest orgasm I’ve ever had” Carina said, adding, “it was so intense.” Maya thought that was the perfect word to describe it – intense… intense and intimate and… then it hit her. </p>
<p>“That was the first time I’ve made love” she said in an epiphany. “mmm… Maya” Carina felt a rush of heat flood her entire body upon hearing that, and she breathed out against Maya’s chest, feeling the anger and the hurt leave her with that breath. And when she inhaled again, taking in Maya’s scent mixed with her own, she felt relief and peace. She adjusted slightly so her ear was pressed to Maya’s heart, the strong, steady beats lulling her back to sleep. And less than a minute later, Maya heard her breathing even out. Maya promised herself right then that no matter what happened, she was going to do right by this woman. She was going to love her and protect her and take care of her and be there with her… “forever” she whispered out loud, sealing it with a kiss to Carina's head, before drifting off to sleep as well. </p>
<p>Carina didn’t tell Maya until much later that that was the moment where she truly let it go, where her forgiveness blossomed into absolution.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>